Rediscovering God: A Spiritual Journey Through Faith, Doubt, and Transformation

I entered the priesthood in the Episcopal Church during one of the most challenging periods in its modern history.

Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop consecrated in the Episcopal Church.

The church was deeply divided during the debates surrounding the ordination of the first openly gay bishop, and many congregations were struggling with questions of identity, tradition, inclusion, and change.

For someone entering ministry during that time, navigating those divisions was complicated.

I often felt like I did not fit neatly into any category.

As a heterosexual daughter of two mothers, a mother of four children, and an Anglo Spanish-speaking pastor with a deep passion for Hispanic ministry, I often found myself existing at the intersection of many different worlds.

A female priest?

A Spanish-speaking priest?

A priest with a unique family story?

Nothing about my ministry path fit the traditional mold.

And perhaps that was part of my calling.

Throughout my early ministry years, I carried a strong desire to serve, connect, and bring people together.

I entered the priesthood as a charismatic idealist with a deep love for God and a vision for meaningful ministry.

But over time, the challenges of ministry, criticism, and the pressures of navigating church communities began to take their toll.

Like many people, I also struggled with my own self-confidence and sense of identity. I was often more comfortable supporting others than advocating for myself. I found myself stepping into roles that felt safe and familiar, even when another part of me longed to grow and be seen.

Eventually, my life shifted into a different season.

I became a full-time caregiver and focused much of my energy on raising my children. At the time, this felt like the right choice for my family. I valued being present with my children and creating a stable, nurturing home environment.

But stepping away from my own vocational identity created its own challenges.

I began to wonder:

Who am I when I am not defined by my career?

Who am I when I am not serving a congregation?

Who am I when I am not meeting everyone else's expectations?

During this season, my relationship with organized religion became complicated.

Experiences within church communities left me feeling wounded and disconnected. The expectations, criticism, and pressures surrounding ministry eventually became overwhelming, and I found myself questioning my place within the church.

For a time, I stepped away.

But stepping away from one expression of faith did not mean losing my connection with God. In fact, it opened the door to rediscovering God and spirituality in a new way.

Around this time, I was introduced to Jewish traditions, including the practice of Shabbat.

The rituals surrounding Shabbat — lighting candles, preparing food, slowing down, and creating sacred space — helped me reconnect with something I had been longing for:

Presence.

Peace.

Connection.

A deeper relationship with God.

Through these practices, I began finding my way back to my authentic spirituality.

I discovered that faith is not only found in institutions or expectations.

Sometimes faith is found in quiet moments. In candlelight. In prayer.

In traditions passed down through generations. In the willingness to ask deeper questions.

My spiritual journey has not been a straight line. It has been filled with unexpected turns, challenges, and moments of profound transformation.

But perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned is this:

Sometimes losing your sense of belonging is the beginning of discovering where you truly belong.

Sometimes walking away from what no longer fits creates space for something more authentic to emerge.

And sometimes, the path back to God looks very different than the path you originally imagined.