Coercive Control and Consent in Intimate Relationships: Why Sex Is Never Owed

It's time to talk about coercive control and consent in relationships…

Oh, this one is a tough one, my friends, and there’s going to be a lot of people who aren’t going to like what I’m writing, but it needs to be said clearly: no one is owed sex in a relationship.

I will say that again, louder, for the people in the back…NO ONE IS OWED SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Talking about sex is uncomfortable for me, because I am a very private person.  But I am opening up because I think it’s the taboo about talking about sex openly, the secrecy and the silence is exactly what enables abusers to continue to take advantage of their victims.

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A Closer Look at Sexual Coercion

Intimacy and sex can be complicated. Take a closer look at sexual coercion to better understand what healthy & unhealthy dynamics look like.

Quite simply, sex without explicit consent is abuse, even (and especially) with regard to people in existing and long-standing relationships.

Even if you have engaged in sexual activity in the past or you are married and have children, a person always has the right to deny access to their body.  And the other partner might be upset about it, but if they do not respect their partner’s wishes and whine and complain and guilt the other person into engaging in sexual activity, they have crossed into the land of sexual coercion, which is a form of abuse.

As a former Episcopal priest, let me be clear: just because you exchanged vows with someone in a religious building or in a religious ceremony does NOT mean you have to have sex if you are uncomfortable or just don’t want to.

Yes, I am staring you dead in the eyes Judeo-Christian teachings…go forth and multiply.  If that is what the two (or more) parties agree to.  All too often religion and the Bible is cited as the “proof” that a married couple is obligated to have sex, or to have children.  (Reproductive abuse is a topic for another post.)  It’s a right between married people. (At least that is how my ex used to explain it.) 

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Increasing Intimate Pleasure in Marriage: A Jewish Perspective | Aish

The four B's of the bedroom: practical tips to overcome sexual frustration.

For what it’s worth, Jewish teachings about sex (at least as explained in my conversion classes) is much more favorable to the female party than Christian teachings.

But don’t get me wrong; sex is a wonderful thing.  It creates amazing bonds and is a terrific way to demonstrate love, trust, and affection. Don't misunderstand me. I am NOT anti-sex.  I am anti NON-CONSENSUAL sex.

However, it seems like it needs to be said that giving consent in the past does NOT mean you are giving consent in perpetuity.  Every sexual experience requires your permission, given freely, without emotional manipulation, guilting, or shaming.  If any of those things is happening, you are not a consenting party to the act.  This includes being groped, kissed, or touched without your permission.

Oftentimes when we think of sexual abuse, we think of two people who have just met or someone who is taking advantage of a stranger.  However, the majority of sexual assaults happen within relationships.  Because there is an expectation of sex within relationships, particularly marriages, we often overlook coercive control as a form of sexual abuse.  We, as a society, need to do a better job of holding this line and holding accountable those who cross it. 

A person who tries to guilt you into having sex, particularly if you say you don’t feel emotionally safe, (as my ex regularly did with me, when I started to set boundaries) is not just insensitive, they are a sexual predator.  Allowing this behavior or justifying it is part of how we, as a society, continue to enable abusers and fail to protect victims.